STARTING AGAIN
January 24, 2009 – 6:16 pmI’m not an honest blogger. By that I don’t mean that I lie, I just mean that I’m not the kind of blogger who sees every emotion or thought in my head as an opportunity to bare my soul. I’m more reserved than that, or dare I even say more conservative. However that’s where my conservatism ends.
I started this blog in order to find God. The somewhat irreverent title was meant in jest, and also to perhaps make those holier-than-thou types feel a little uncomfortable in their seats or pews. But more than that, it was a genuine expression of my searching heart – I mean really, who the hell is God?
The journey
I planned to visit churches, mosques, temples, synagogs, and all manner of other places in an honest and truthful journey of discovery with the expectation of finding the answer to my question. The prospect of the places I would go and the people I might meet excited me.
This was to be be a journey that would surely open my eyes, my mind, and my heart. I felt sure that along the way, as I learned and experienced new things, I would most certainly change as my outlook and expectations were perhaps shaped by the encounters of such an exploration.
Nearly a year later the blog is still effectively empty, my plans as yet unfulfilled, and my question behind this grand idea still unanswered and largely unexplored like a great mountain that has yet to be climbed.
So what happened?
I got scared: There, I wrote it, it’s out there now in shameful black and white honesty, naked as the truth and as difficult as a confession. You see I can’t deny that vulnerability is not one of my strong points, and that I had underestimated just how hard it would be to even make the first steps of this journey that I absolutely want to make.
I found myself bound and gagged by my absolute fear and loathing of religion and the prospect that the road to enlightenment is beset on all sides by distractions and shortcuts that instead lead to the closed minded judgmentalism of religion with all its vile and repulsive entrapments.
For the sake of disclosure it seems only fair that I should tell you that I have had experiences with Christians and churches, few of which have been positive. Those experiences have often been embroiled in a certain degree of controversy that is perhaps born out of my unwillingness to simply go through the motions. If I had closed my eyes, shut my mouth, and waved my hands in the air when everyone else did I probably would have had an easier ride.
Thus far I’ve been “disfellowshipped” from a Pentacostal church, unceremoniously shunned by another, and even forcibly ejected from a London based Christian sect who didn’t appreciate my line of questioning. In short it’s fair to say that my mainstream religious endeavors have all ended badly, and most of the time they’ve ended very badly indeed.
So why bother?
Because I still believe. Because I still cannot look at a Jellyfish, or the stars above, or the intricate veins of a leaf, and think that this was all just some act of random physics. Because humankind has sought and found different ‘God’s’ throughout time, building great shrines and temples to powers and forces beyond our comprehension and the limitations of our own experiences and imagination. Because there is an element to life that science cannot answer, and we alone cannot satisfy. Because of all the journeys and great explorations mankind could ever embark on, this one, this very one must surely be the boldest.
That said, here I am, standing still.
So what now?
I don’t know. I’ll be honest with you, whoever you are, I’m at a loss as to know what to do. My repulsion for religion has merely hardened now, and the distance I feel from knowing or coming to terms with any kind of God now seems further and more pronounced than ever before.
I’ve prayed and searched for signs, but it just feels like I’m adrift, like a sailor using the stars to navigate on a cloudy night. I feel like I’ve been sending out an S.O.S to God for years, but he’s not tuned into my frequency and I can’t find his.
I don’t want to over intellectualize my search, but at the same time I don’t want to unplug my brain either. I want to be humble but I don’t want to dumbly follow the words of another just because they ‘know’ more than me. I want to be bold but I don’t want to be foolish.
People have told me that there could be dangers inherent in any such search as this. Some truly awful things have been done in the name of God and I’m not beyond the danger of getting swept along on a wave of excitement or emotion. So with that in mind I want to be able to know when to let the wave carry me and when not to.
I want to be understood, not handled with suspicion and distrust. I don’t want people to see my questions as attacks, my words as weapons, or my doubt as defeat. I want to be engaged and engage others, to use my mind and follow heart. Maybe I don’t tick the standard boxes or fit into the molds with which people are comfortable, but that doesn’t make my desire to find or be found by God any less valid or real.
I want to share this journey. This is part of who I am, my longing for answers, for peace, and for purpose has always been a journey I’ve wanted to share. That’s why I’m writing, because I want someone to come with me, and after all the disappointment it might as well be you, right?
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By Caz on Jan 26, 2009 at 11:18 pm | Reply
I commend you, Simon. I’m a pilgrim on the same journey, and I’m coming from decades of ‘certainty’ that Christianity was “the way, the truth and the life.”
I am no longer certain of that. And so, I search. This much I have discovered – this is a solo sojourn. While we will meet fellow seekers along the way, in the end it is a trip and discovery we make alone.
I shall be following along with interest as you move out in full seek! A toast to our finding ‘god’… and maybe ourselves, too.
By FreeThinker on Jan 27, 2009 at 4:13 pm | Reply
Simon, the wonders of Google brought me to this site quite randomly, but I hope you won’t mind if I wrote a comment.
You are not likely to find God if the only people you ask are religious people who believe in vastly exaggerated tales from ancient texts. You won’t find God in the Bible, The Koran, The Torah or any temple, church, and shrine.
God isn’t “out there” Simon. You must look for God closer to home my friend. God lives inside YOU. God lives inside us all and the biggest lie that religions propagate is that God is is somewhere ‘out there’ passing praiseworthy judgment on us.
Have you ever considered that the reason why you were uneasy about church is because your spirit knows that you won’t find anything there but more emptiness, confusion, and condemnation? Christians do not like free thinkers and you sound like you are a free thinker to me.
Good luck with your journey Simon. I subscribed to your email list and will read with interest.
By heath alysa on Jan 27, 2009 at 8:07 pm | Reply
Hey there Simon, next time we are together and in front of a TV (really when has that ever happened) let’s watch every episode of Mr. Show. I’m sure we will have some great “God discussions” after that.
By Bob on Jan 28, 2009 at 1:34 pm | Reply
Hey Simon,
I’m not so sure God comes from the inside like one of the commenters stated. I know everyone has a need for God and that is why you’re doing this blog. Knowing who God is and why you are on the earth is the most important journey you will make. It’s hard to do important things some times. Anyway, I’m with you. Be careful of people, they are all flawed though most often mean well. Getting all kinds of advice from all kinds of people could just make things confusing. Do you’re best to push though and ask God for His help as I’m sure you’re doing. Anyway I’ll be following and commenting.
By Shane on Jan 29, 2009 at 5:58 am | Reply
Simon,
I would like to join you on this journey. I have great appreciation for your honesty and candor in regard to your search for God. I also feel kindred to you in so far as I want to seek truth wherever it may lead without religion muddying up the waters. This is not to say that I do not have a centered faith, because I do. I have chosen to trust in what I believe is God’s revelation of himself in the person of Jesus Christ. I certainly hope this does not disqualify me from being a “free thinker” or open to honest dialogue wherever it may lead. It simply means that I have come to trust in an answer that I have found along the way in my own journey. Upon this revelation, I will hang my hat and trust that God is leading. I look forward to the dialogue.
By Todd on Jan 29, 2009 at 6:35 pm | Reply
This has nothing to do with your journey… I just like the art on your new blog. Who is the artist?
By Simon Jones on Jan 29, 2009 at 6:40 pm | Reply
Good question Todd. The artwork was actually an original piece created specifically for this blog by my friend Bob Burch (yes, that guy above).
He is a Christian guy and was at first reluctant to do the piece when I first asked him to create the illustration for the blog. But he had a think about it and decided that he wanted to do it in the end to support my journey. He didn’t even charge me, but don’t tell anyone that
I should write a page about it because it truly is a beautiful piece of art in of itself. I will write that page just as soon as work calms down and I catch up with my life.
For now though why not check out Bob’s illustration website.
By In His Love on Jan 31, 2009 at 6:04 am | Reply
I think that if you’re serious about finding God, then you should probably show a little respect to Him and change the name of this website to something less irreverent. Clearly you’re mocking God when you use the word hell in this context, and God will not be mocked.
Dive into the word of God, the Bible. Pray for God to reveal himself to you and open your heart to him.
I think you should put your bad experiences aside and join a church. If you really can’t do that then you will benefit from some other books which will help you read the Bible. There are many to choose from but I would recommend this one – http://www.gty.org/Products/Books/451121S
As for a new name for this website, how about iamlookingforgod.com. I think that has a nice ring to it.
By In His Love on Jan 31, 2009 at 6:11 am | Reply
I’ve just found an online version of that book too.
http://www.gty.org/Resources/DailyDevotion
By Simon Jones on Jan 31, 2009 at 6:37 pm | Reply
Oh ‘In His Love’, if I didn’t know better I’d think you were someone I once knew.
I look at the links, thank you, but as for me mocking God, stick around because you never know, you might even learn something.
By Todd on Feb 1, 2009 at 5:32 am | Reply
Thanks for the link to Bob’s site. I will check it out… He seems really talented.
By Lisa Joy on Feb 3, 2009 at 1:44 pm | Reply
Interesting and brave thing to do Simon. I hope you one day find what you are looking for.
I very long ago found it easy to believe there is no “GOD”. I have no problem with the idea of it and truly wish I could believe- I would love to have that comfort – most of my oldest and closest friends are very religious and are wonderful people often because of their faith.
I do not question my disbelief. Maybe this is weak? I feel discomfort because if there is a God I don’t think I would like “him” very much…
By Rodney on Feb 4, 2009 at 7:57 pm | Reply
Hey Simon:
Great blog. How about starting with explaining what you currently know or think of God now? You might run into someone who does have better answers. Just because a church, temple, mosque, etc., claims to have the answer, that doesn’t mean they have the right answers. You can know God, and unlike what someone wrote earlier, you can know God through the pages of scripture (of the bible). I think there are clear, cogent answers to your legitimate questions, and any church, temple, mosque, etc. not willing to entertain your questions is not worth their salt.
By Rachel Hanley on Feb 4, 2009 at 9:46 pm | Reply
I’m glad this is finally starting up… I also like Rodney’s suggestion, though you may not know your thoughts on God?
Anyways, Simon I think you have a lot of friends who have wanted you to take this journey for a bit… so while you might feel alone I suspect that has to do more with what you’re figuring out then who’s helping you figure it out. Looking into your pain, and the deeper parts of your soul can be a lonely business cause its within you… but I’m sure you know you have friends who will join you in whatever way they actually can. So while the journey is painful and can feel lonely, I hope that you eventually are able to find a place of solitude that counteracts lonliness…I’m also going to make it a point not to push my faith on you- you know it well enough as is and we both know it would only create more resistance.
By Mark Raggett on Feb 5, 2009 at 4:51 pm | Reply
If you are looking for God you won’t find him in a church, mosque, temple or synagogue any more than anywhere else. As you said you’ve already seen his finger print in the whole world, in nature and the universe. From a christian perspective you won’t find his presence in a church building anymore than anywhere else. The curtain has been torn. What you will find in religous buildings are people who believe certain answers trying to have a relationship with God. Those people will be imperfect, you might have experienced this… If you are searching I would recommend spending lots of time where you see his fingerprints. If you seem him in nature and the universe then spend time looking at it. I’d also suggest conversations with people who have embraced answers. The thing is I don’t think a good search for God necessarily makes a good blog, TV show or film (‘Religulous’?)
Good luck with it and if you do want to visit a church I know one in Houston that would love to see you. I will let you know all the required motions beforehand so they don’t chuck you out.
By Anne on Feb 5, 2009 at 11:32 pm | Reply
You know, you have started some thinking in me.
What would it be have been like, if God had shown up, on that night in India?
I am also reading a book that is revolutionizing my own experience with God. I will tell you about it, if you want.
I wonder if there’s a downloadable audio version of the Bible?
By Simon Jones on Feb 11, 2009 at 3:25 am | Reply
Some great comments here. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to comment.
Okay, I wasn’t going to answer Rodney’s question because I didn’t want to get bogged down in where I’ve been. I’m more interested in the road ahead. But let me just say that my experience of Christian churches has obviously shaped my understanding of God. However, I struggle to believe that a God capable of creating photosynthesis, sealife, and clouds would then so dramatically limit his grace to those who happen to be fortunate enough to come across and accept Jesus Christ. It make little sense to me that a God so capable of diversity would create such a desperately narrow path to him for humankind to walk.
God to me, is a creative force, an infinitely limitless power. All religions that claim exclusive rights to God and the truth seem to be a contradiction of this is so many ways. At this stage I think God is a reality and religion is a choice.
Anne asks me what it might have been like if God had shown up that night in India. She is referring to a now deleted post I wrote back in April where I invited God to join me on the roof of a little house in southern India one night. I sat there and waited for 1 hour for God to show up. In the end it seemed that maybe he had another more pressing engagement.
So Anne, what would it have been like? Well heck, I don’t know. Maybe though you’re thinking that he did turn up and I just didn’t see him because I wasn’t looking for the right signs? Well maybe, but if God is going to be that subtle then I’d have to ask him why his appearances in the old testament are such a big and obvious deal while today people are left searching the vagueness for ’signs’ that may, or may not be from him.
If God had shown up then I wouldn’t be writing this blog now would I
By Rodney on Feb 11, 2009 at 12:33 pm | Reply
Simon:
Thanks for your response to my question. I respect your answer.
If I may, allow me to explain what I have learned about God so far. Before I do that, let me say that my answers ARE based on the “ancient texts” that so many “free thinkers” seem to so despise, because I find the scriptures of the Holy Bible seem to best fit and answer life. I believe that the purpose of life is simply to enjoy a relationship with God and to enjoy relationships with one another. I say that because Jesus was asked a question, “which of the commandments is the greatest?” Jesus didn’t say “thou shalt not kill” is the greatest, or something like that, but He summed up the commandments by saying “Love God with all your heart, and love your neighbor as yourself.” Having love for God and love for one another dictates how we relate to one another, which again, is the simple purpose of life.
Genesis opens with the garden of Eden. The Hebrew word for garden is “gan” and means “defense.” That implies protection. In the beginning, man was in the protection of God and was provided for by God. The devil, represented by the serpent, was also in the garden. He convinced man that mankind didn’t need God to determine what is ethical, that man could make that determination himself. Man believed the devil, and as a result sinned against God (I’m leaving out a LOT of details because I’m trying to be succinct in this small space), separating us from Him. Sin is why we have death and corruption in the world today…it is a spiritual (unseen) “condition” that affects the spiritual and the natural. Sin cut us off from the source of life, which is God. It’s like a branch that is cut off from a tree…it dies.
Fortunately, the PERSON of God, being loving as He is, restored us to relationship through Jesus Christ by paying the penalty of sin, which is death. When we believe in Him, and commit to live how He expects us to, He gives us His holy spirit to help change our corrupt human natures, so that we reconsider doing the things that cause our relationships to suffer.
I’ll end this post by saying I see God like some product manufacturers. Some manufacturers put out a disclaimer with their product saying “failure to use this product in a manner consistent with its intended use may result in injury or death.” That’s what God has done; He developed life and said that the best use for it is to love Him and each other, and failure to do so results in death. The choice is yours, therefore, you have to accept the consequences of your choice.
By Simon Jones on Feb 11, 2009 at 10:36 pm | Reply
Interesting response Rodney. I’m lightly reading the old testament at the moment. It’s a rather vile book if you ask me. God is not “all knowing” in (extremely) old testament, in fact a lot of the time he seems to be utterly clueless. For example when Abraham conned that King to take his ’sister’ as his wife God came down and told the King he was a dead man for sure! The King had to plead his innocence in that he had been told by Abraham that the woman was his sister. God heard that and spared the king as we know.
In fact the old testament seems vile in a great deal of ways. The rampant abuse of women, the incestuous sex, the hateful and vengeful God. It truly is a harrowing read, not God’s best work of PR if you ask me. But that’s stuff for a later post. I don’t want to get into a protracted conversation about that right now. Suffice to say that the assumption that “God is love” seems to be a HUGE one if you ask me.
By Rodney on Feb 12, 2009 at 6:37 pm | Reply
Simon:
In the difficult passage you quoted, regarding Abram (his name hadn’t been changed yet) and Pharaoh, God was not clueless at all. In fact, God was quite “proactive” in keeping Pharaoh from innocently doing something that would have caused him a lot of problems, that is taking another man’s wife. Consider it a “warning shot across the bough” for both Abram and Pharaoh. Pharaoh, probably deeply religious/superstitious himself, recognized that the plagues he encountered were of a supernatural nature and that caused Pharaoh to decide something is wrong with this woman Abram claimed to be his sister. It probably woke Abram up, too, to realize that his actions had consequences, and that next time he’d better trust God and be truthful.
When reading the bible, be careful to remember that the books are broken into different genres: historical narrative, law, wisdom, poetry, prophecy, apocalyptic, gospel and epistle. When reading about “abuse of women,” as you put it, be sure to recall what genre the book is written in. Also remember, it was not originally written in English, it was written in Hebrew, Greek and Aramaic, so you may need to find the meaning of the original words to find the correct meaning of a difficult passage.
A scripture in the New Testament says “God spoke to the fathers by the prophets at different times and in different manners…but has now spoken to us through His Son (Hebrews 1).” God doesn’t thunder out of the heavens to speak to us; He speaks to us primarily through scripture. He also speaks to us through the Holy Spirit, which He gives us when we believe and are baptized.
I look forward with great anticipation to explaining anything else you need to know to show you that the Old Testament is not vile as it may appear to you now.
By Ralph on Feb 12, 2009 at 7:57 pm | Reply
Hi Simon,
I have faith that God will assist you along your journey. That may sound strange, so be it. But trust me, he is going to honor your search and reveal himself to you in many ways.
I was agnostic for a great part of my life. That is, I believed that there was a God, and it was simply because I could see no other option when I pondered the creation of the universe. Something from nothing never made any sense from me. There had to be some kind of prime mover. And therefore I believed that there was a God. But I got no farther than that until I met a good woman and she showed me the way.
One way that you have discovered God already is in his creation. Some call this the “natural law” – every created thing is a living example of God’s truth. The thing can be nothing but what it was created to be, and it is simply what it is – a creation. I think I see that you have already realized this through what I have read on your blog. Its a great place to start.
I’m sorry that you had a negative experience in churches. You’ll find that many of them are scared of questions because they don’t have the whole truth. You might try approaching RCIA at a local Catholic church. Its a special program that meets once a week and teaches people about the faith. Its a period of discernment before you would decide to join the church. If you decide to go through this, test out your hosts right away to see that they aren’t afraid to answer questions. If they are, try a program at another church. Or even call to talk to a priest. There’s no harm in talking.
It might interest you that the Catholic Church was the main driver of nearly all scientific discovery for more than a thousand years, and that the scientific method was actually invented by scientists funded by the Catholic Church. Coming from a background of science, I find this fascinating. They are one of the few churches who realize what you have already begun to realize, and that is God’s truth can and is found in all of his creation.
If you want, you can email me and we can talk. BTW I wouldn’t bother trying to understand the Old Testament right now. Most people when they read it misunderstand God as an angry tyrant. Rather the Bible is a theological work, and although it contains historical and scientific things, it is neither a history nor a science book. Events that happen have a theological significance that may not be apparent and often are not a clear reflection of who God is. The New Testament is short and is easier to read; it might be a better place to start, but don’t expect to be able to understand it all right away.
Also keep in mind that God did not hand man the Bible. God inspired books of the Bible and we are able to read them, and they contain only truth, but whenever we read the Bible we add our own interpretation on top of it. By interpreting the Bible in this way, we are not guaranteed that we believe the truth, because all we are believing is our interpretation of the truth.
Instead, God founded a Church (Matthew 16:17-20) and gave the whole truth to his followers and they were told to teach that truth to the whole world. The Bible was never intended to be used in the way many Christian churches use it now, and this practice has led to confusion and many different interpretations. In my personal opinion, explore them if you feel some urging to do so but you’ll be wasting your time. There is only one Church that God founded, a Church that has preserved the truth of the apostles since the time of Jesus, and that is the Catholic Church.
Another thing to understand is that the Church is a hospital for sinners, not a hotel for saints. We are all sinners, and some people throughout history have done terrible things in the name of God. It is undeniable. God is there to help us know what is right and true but he still gives us free will and some do still abuse it. That isn’t a reflection on the Church he created, just on the depravity of man.
Another thing that you wrote that I need to comment on: God does not give his grace only to those who believe. Every good thing about you and me is a grace given by God. Without those graces, we would all be utterly depraved. Everyone has been given different graces. That is why some people murder, others do not, some people steal, others do not. Those who do not; have grace. I’m getting a little theological here; I hope you don’t mind. But grace is not just for believers. Jesus Christ died for all sinners, even those who did not believe. If God did not offer all of us grace, we would never have the capability to believe in Him in the first place.
God Bless you, and if you seek him, he will reveal himself to you.
By Simon Jones on Feb 13, 2009 at 4:02 am | Reply
Thanks for that Ralph. Stay tuned, I’d like to hear you opinions on other things.
By Ralph on Feb 16, 2009 at 4:39 pm | Reply
Thanks for the invite. I will definitely stick around. Keep the questions coming.
By Shane on Feb 17, 2009 at 1:46 am | Reply
Wow. There are some very interesting comments here. It seems that you are in good company Simon. I like what many have had to say. My primary observation to date is how encouraging it must be that many in the community of faith certainly do respect and understand your search for truth. This at least demonstrates that not all believers are from the same religious mold that so negatively affected your impressions early on. I am excited to be a part of this dialogue and hope to learn from others while making the best contribution I can. For the moment, I am particularly interested in Ralph’s comment about the nature of the church in contrast to scripture as it relates to God’s self-revelation. I know this may be more specific than intended for this blog but am wondering if Ralph would be interested in dialoging via email about this?
By June on Feb 23, 2009 at 2:58 am | Reply
Why don’t you write down what you think your god should be like. Choose your own conception of God. Be willing to believe in your own God. Start there. That’s how I began. Not how I finished.
By Skye on Apr 15, 2009 at 9:52 pm | Reply
If you really are looking for God you will find Him, He is kind merciful, gracious and the God I know has changed my life. I also know that if you really do have questions that you want answers to He will answer those too. If you genuinely do give your life to Him He will change it forever. The night in India is interesting because the thing that God blesses is faith and maybe just maybe He is looking for that Faith in you to keep coming, Asking, seeking and knocking. As for your reasons for seeking Him they will be the very thing that God uses to change and strengthen you. In my experience God is the God who really answers by fire as He did with Elijah and He will not be mocked He will answer you and fulfill all the promises He has ever spoken to you or ever will speak to you, He is just looking for your obedience. Ouch that is a hard word to swollow Obedience but that is what God requires of A broken spirit and a contrite heart and you will know when the time is right for you to submit your life to Him and live for Him and the Kingdom plan He has for your life, you will find it. It says “ask what you will in my name and it will be done for you so that my father in heaven will be glorified” God wants to be glorified in the earth and when we ask Him of his will and He fulfills it that Glorifies Him. Maybe just maybe you are asking the wrong questions. It says somewhere else that it delights Him to give us the Kingdom, Maybe this is where your questions start. What do you want Him to do for you? Is it for the good of Gods kingdom? If it is be sure He will show you. It also says in the OT to ask Him for the ancient paths, I know it sounds a bit cliche but but God wants to redig the ancient wells and show us the paths that our forefathers walked in , their revelation, their anointing, their experience of Gods power, the prophetic anointing, In corinthians it says above all seek that you may prophecie, The prophetic word releases Gods will in the earth and we are channels of that blessing that God wants to release. I am not going to tell you to go to a church because I believe that He is well able to show himself to you and change your life outside of the church structure and all the other manmade ways to God but what I will say is follow His lead and wait on Him to reveal Himself to you remember it took God 3 times to get samuels attention. Happy searching and remember those that seek Him find Him and that those that seek the Lord lack no good thing